Is This Thing On?
It has been 3.5 years since the last time I wrote a post for this blog. Here’s what’s been going on with me: my kids have started school, my beloved cat became sick and died, I’m going through a horribly difficult divorce, I’ve started an exciting if not demanding new career, and I threw out half a carton of expired milk this morning. The End.
I’m back. Tricked ya!
To any new Minivan readers who weren’t with me in the days of yore, when Minivan posts were abundant, there are a few things you should know about your time here. First, nothing constructive happens here. There will be no enlightenment, no political musings, no educational value whatsoever. In fact, if you are still reading this after reading the previous line, you should be ashamed of yourself. Second, this is a fun place, so anyone who challenges me via the comments section pretty much sucks. I’m not writing a blog to be challenged. I’m writing a blog for attention. Third, and I really mean this, I think blogging contributes to the nail polish on the tips of my fingernails wearing off too fast. Please send manicure gift cards. Thanks.
Because I have no confidence in you to introduce me to eligible bachelors, I have already taken the liberty of writing my Match.com profile. It feels a little bit like what I imagine writing my own eulogy would feel like, except not like that at all.
Here’s what I’ve got so far. Please note my honesty, minus the omission that I’m like one Groupon away from Botox. Let me know what ya think.
I'm a former teacher turned business owner, and the proud mother of two precocious, if not pesky, punks. They're seven and six, and when neither of them is whining, complaining, or projectile vomiting, they're fantastic! I recently went through the drive-through at a pharmacy to drop-off a prescription, and my son ordered French fries. This is probably compelling evidence that I don’t cook enough, and did I really need the bread maker and panini press after all? I'm 40% motivated to learn to love cooking, 70% motivated to find more yummy restaurants to order carry-out from, and 20% distraught over my poor math skills! So, in summary, I am looking for someone who is not looking for a good cook!
I am also looking for someone cute, normal and willing to watch Dancing with the Stars with me, even if you have to save face with your friends and tell them that during that highly-coveted 8:00-9:00 prime time slot, you weren't inside watching girlie TV. You were, of course, outside branding cattle. With your bare hands!
I have devoted a significant amount of time and attention to self-improvement after the break-down of my marriage, and have come up with the following: even though I'm the common denominator in all of my past relationships, I still assume their failures had nothing to do with me. And this attitude explains my Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs journey toward self-actualization. Or self-righteousness. Definitely one of the two.
In terms of my perfect first date, I'm thinking thoughtfulness cannot be overstated at this point. I was with the same man for over 10 years, and bless his heart, chivalry wasn't really his thing, so I think at this point I'd be smitten if someone so much as made a dinner reservation. Heck, I'd be impressed if it ever occurred to the man to make a dinner reservation, even if he were then unexpectedly sidetracked by something more important like a hot dog eating contest on ESPN.