Is This Thing On?

It has been 3.5 years since the last time I wrote a post for this blog. Here’s what’s been going on with me: my kids have started school, my beloved cat became sick and died, I’m going through a horribly difficult divorce, I’ve started an exciting if not demanding new career, and I threw out half a carton of expired milk this morning. The End.

I’m back. Tricked ya!

To any new Minivan readers who weren’t with me in the days of yore, when Minivan posts were abundant, there are a few things you should know about your time here. First, nothing constructive happens here. There will be no enlightenment, no political musings, no educational value whatsoever. In fact, if you are still reading this after reading the previous line, you should be ashamed of yourself. Second, this is a fun place, so anyone who challenges me via the comments section pretty much sucks. I’m not writing a blog to be challenged. I’m writing a blog for attention. Third, and I really mean this, I think blogging contributes to the nail polish on the tips of my fingernails wearing off too fast. Please send manicure gift cards. Thanks.

Because I have no confidence in you to introduce me to eligible bachelors, I have already taken the liberty of writing my Match.com profile. It feels a little bit like what I imagine writing my own eulogy would feel like, except not like that at all.

Here’s what I’ve got so far. Please note my honesty, minus the omission that I’m like one Groupon away from Botox. Let me know what ya think.


ABOUT ME:

I'm a former teacher turned business owner, and the proud mother of two precocious, if not pesky, punks. They're seven and six, and when neither of them is whining, complaining, or projectile vomiting, they're fantastic!  I recently went through the drive-through at a pharmacy to drop-off a prescription, and my son ordered French fries. This is probably compelling evidence that I don’t cook enough, and did I really need the bread maker and panini press after all? I'm 40% motivated to learn to love cooking, 70% motivated to find more yummy restaurants to order carry-out from, and 20% distraught over my poor math skills! So, in summary, I am looking for someone who is not looking for a good cook!

I am also looking for someone cute, normal and willing to watch Dancing with the Stars with me, even if you have to save face with your friends and tell them that during that highly-coveted 8:00-9:00 prime time slot, you weren't inside watching girlie TV. You were, of course, outside branding cattle. With your bare hands!

I have devoted a significant amount of time and attention to self-improvement after the break-down of my marriage, and have come up with the following: even though I'm the common denominator in all of my past relationships, I still assume their failures had nothing to do with me. And this attitude explains my Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs journey toward self-actualization. Or self-righteousness. Definitely one of the two.

In terms of my perfect first date, I'm thinking thoughtfulness cannot be overstated at this point. I was with the same man for over 10 years, and bless his heart, chivalry wasn't really his thing, so I think at this point I'd be smitten if someone so much as made a dinner reservation. Heck, I'd be impressed if it ever occurred to the man to make a dinner reservation, even if he were then unexpectedly sidetracked by something more important like a hot dog eating contest on ESPN.  

 

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Comments

  • 12/6/2011 1:23 PM Pascale wrote:
    My long lost twin has returned! And guess what, I'm in the final stages of a nasty divorce with a man I was with for over ten years and now a single working mom of two kids (ages 7 and 9) and still driving that damn minivan too...... welcome back. Let's commiserate, shall we? I could use a hand working on that Match. com profile..... *muah*
    Reply to this
  • 12/6/2011 2:03 PM Tara wrote:
    I'm a blog hater but you had me at "I’m writing a blog for attention." As soon as you turn self-righteous and preachy then you and I will go through a hurtful blog breakup!
    Reply to this
  • 12/7/2011 3:10 AM MyKidsDad wrote:
    Awesome blog!

    here is my advice on finding a guy.

    1. Keep wearing the long knee high boots...guys LOVE the FMBs

    2. Guys like snarky women who don't take themselves too seriously

    3. fake Boobs: guys like to look at fake boobs, and they like to "motorboat" them....but if you are looking for a man to spend the rest of January with, yours will probably do.....but a new set of pillows will probably make your Ex jealous.

    4. My wife always tells me that the first was for love, the second is for $....not a bad idea. Mine is different....First is for love, the second is for fake boobs.....see number 3.

    5. Blogging to people that yu don't know is harmless.....keep doing it...sometimes shouting into the wind is great therapy.

    Oh, and lose the minivan....get a classic corvette.

    Hope this helps...
    Reply to this
    1. 12/10/2011 7:58 PM Sheri wrote:
      If you don't already have a blog of your own, I think you need one! And for the record, I live in Scottsdale, which means the best way to stand out is to NOT have implants!
      Reply to this
  • 12/7/2011 6:51 AM Cobwebs wrote:
    Good lord. Welcome back.

    I have a folder in my RSS reader where I pitch any feeds that haven't updated in a while. I was sort of startled to see a new post pop up in there today.

    Glad you've returned!
    Reply to this
    1. 12/10/2011 7:58 PM Sheri wrote:
      Thanks for coming back!
      Reply to this
  • 12/7/2011 9:13 AM Shannon wrote:
    You're still in my rss feed. Welcome back!
    Reply to this
    1. 12/10/2011 7:59 PM Sheri wrote:
      Now if only I can get myself to write a second post I'll be all set! Thanks for popping by (again!).
      Reply to this
  • 12/9/2011 12:35 PM Heather wrote:
    SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK!! I check in sometimes with my fingers crossed and it worked this time! My blog was pretty much dead for a year or so too but I finally dusted it off. Can't wait to hear more about your new life!
    Reply to this
    1. 12/10/2011 8:00 PM Sheri wrote:
      And I'm off to check out your blog right now!
      Reply to this
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    I don't actually ever read anyone's blog so I am not sure what compelled me to check this out. Oh, yes it is because you are in general hilarious!
    Keep it up and I might be a blog convert!
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