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Wimpy White Boy
I have been a bad, bad blogger as of late, but as of tonight I have been a good, good patient. I threw my back out, took my expired muscle relaxers, added a dose of red wine (where I come from a dose is actually two glasses- hey, I'm from Detroit: where the weak are killed and eaten, stay with me here, people.) Another round of ibuprofen and really, right at this exact moment in time I'm ready to blog my ass off. Or I'm ready to pass out and seek some serious medical counseling tomorrow, one of the two. In the meantime, I've been having fun writing the story of my premature son, Colin, that I am calling "Wimpy White Boy," and just enjoying throwing some ideas around on paper. I have 75,000 first pages to this book. This is the first, first page. I'm going to post the other 74,999 first pages tomorrow. Please account for this unexpected turn of events while budgeting your free time tomorrow. Great, thanks.
When I woke-up on the morning of October 21st, 2004, nothing seemed out of the norm. It’s not like I woke-up delightful and cheery. That morning I rolled my seven months pregnant self out of bed and barked at my husband, Ethan, for leaving his dirty clothes on the floor all while tripping over my own pile of filthy laundry, which isn’t hypocritical on any level. (Oh, you do think it’s hypocritical? Okay, Ethan.) After spreading my usual morning goodwill, I moseyed myself on over to my high school teaching job where I taught freshman and sophomore geography.
Technically the one geography class I took in college during the Reagan Administration would no longer qualify me to actually teach geography, but this was before No Child Left Behind was enacted. We left children behind all the time back then. It was particularly difficult for the child we left behind on the field trip to the Natural Disasters Museum. Gabe, if you’re reading this, glad to see the museum now has a bookshop.
Getting through my half day teaching job at this stage in my pregnancy was no easy task. I was an extremely irritable, grumpy pregnant woman who barked at people without just cause all day long. I’m not trying to promote stereotypes here. No, I’m just kidding. I totally am. It probably didn’t help that I was stressed from spending all morning everyday teaching a class I wasn’t fluent in. It’s challenging teaching geography when you can’t point to Yemen on a map to save your life. But it’s not just me who can’t find it. I’d be willing to bet all of those kids I taught geography to over the years couldn’t find it either.
On this particular day I had plans to unwind after work by going shopping with a friend and her five-month-old. As it turns out, shopping with a five-month-old is about as relaxing as sitting on the tip of an orbiting rocket. I want to go on record as saying I have never actually sat on the tip of an orbiting rocket. I would have assumed you knew that, but five minutes ago you thought all geography teachers know where Yemen is.
Obviously I picked-up carry-out for dinner on my way home from shopping. If that wasn’t obvious to you it’s only because this is Chapter One and you’re still getting to know me. By Chapter Three you’ll be surprised that back in Chapter One I picked-up carry-out instead of getting delivery. By Chapter Six I will probably already have had my second child and both of my kids will be throwing macaroni and cheese at each other, but for the record, I made the mac and cheese myself (Easy Mac, but still…).
After dinner Ethan went right up to bed exclaiming, “I have never been this tired in my life!”
(cliff hanger...sorry...this concludes Page 1 of "Wimpy White Boy." Based on past trends, Page 2 will be posted on the 3rd night of Passover...in April)
Hahaha, lovin' it so far, but please don't wait for passover for the next installment!
I've had one dose (three glasses) of red wine as well, so your humor is just right for me.
I'm curious as to what district you worked in...you probably know of the company I work for.
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You're back! I can't wait to read the rest. You should really get an agent and charge us all for a copy of your book though. You are getting a book deal, right? You are such a good writer. I hope you go for it!
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Girl, i MISSED you... so glad you're immobilized with nothing better to do than entertain me...humm..that came out wrong... nevertheless, so happy to have you back
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Hey! I'm so happy to see you back in blogland! I hope your back feels better! And as always, I love reading anything you write!
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Yay! A post! A post! And a funny one (of course). PLEASE don't wait till passover for the next installment.
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Welcome back!
Isn't it amazing how, before kids, we thought we were overworked and tired? Ethan didn't know what tired was, at that point!
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Pbbbt. Obviously we need you to throw out your back and overmedicate far more often. Missed you!
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Lmao!!! If you wait until April to post Page 2, I swear, I will stop reading this blog! Really! I will!
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hey Sheri- Missed you! Glad to see your back to blogging online... Happy New Year!
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What a surprise to see you in my Reader again! Welcome back. You're still funny on wine and painkillers.
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Glad to see you're back. Sorry to hear about your back. Heh.
I started Little Man's Wimpy White Boy story seemingly a month ago and have yet to post part two. Guess I better get on that.
You really left us hanging, girl! Dayum!
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Glad to see you're back!! Waiting eagerly for the second first page!
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Oh how happy I am to have you back in this cozy little corner of the world known as bloggyland.
I'd say that I hope you throw your back out more often just to see you blog more, but that would go against my new year's resolution of being nicer.
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I'm convinced that red wine helps everything. Go to the doctor though, because they'll give you the good stuff.
I'm glad you're back. I love the idea of the book and I love the first page.
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You're back! Or is this really just a teaser until April? I was so surprised and pleased to see a new post. And of course we'll all buy your book!
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I've been stalking your blog to see when you'd be back. And back you are! Yippee! Can't wait to read the rest!
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There's a country called Yemen? Hmm, who knew?
I agree with the elated cry from the masses. So glad you were immobilized in staggering pain long enough to throw us this delightful bone.
Happy New Year, you fabulous woman, you!
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I just wet my pants. Too funny. So glad that you found your password and were finally able to get back on your own blog.
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Yeaaaaaaah! You're back! Loved it. can't. wait. for. more. Please don't wait until Passover for the next installment. I couldn't stand another loooooong wait.
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AAAHHHH.. at least I wasn't the only one who fell off the face of the blogging world for a couple months!! lol.. glad you are back as am I .. I love your story.. especially the title.. hehe
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You're back!
Happy New Year!!
I've been doing the same thing - churning out the pages for the book. We should compare notes on the agent search (if you're looking).
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I wanted to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
To one of my fav bloggers out there!!!!
xo,
Audrey
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Oh, my goodness! I came over just to say honk, honk, beep, beep and almost fell out of my chair in joy to see there was a new post! OK. I'm off to read it now. I bet it's great.
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****happy sigh****
I'm going to go back to read it again. You know, to hold me over till... when did you say, Passover?
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Looking forward to the next installment! I guess I'll get to read it over a lovely meal of matzoh and macaroons!
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My first visit to your spot in bloggityburg and I totally enjoyed myself! Thanks for the laughs!
Hope you're feeling better soon.
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Such a good job you do picking up where you left off. It's like you never slowed down.
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yay- you're back! But for the record, they roast the folks from Detroit first before they're killed and eaten. He He.
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Glad to see you back among the blogging. :o)
And as the others have asked, please don't leave us hanging until April! :o)
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Hey, I was in your class that day!! I know what happens on the next page!! And probably the whole chapter, heck I probably know what happends in the rest of the book!!
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This is my first visit. I loved the blog name so I had to see for myself. You go girl!
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I cannot believe you haven't posted anything since OCTOBER and you get 31 comments! you are a friggin' ROCK STAR who, regardless of her drug intake, should be writing! you understand, girlfriend? writing! for our selfish little pleasure!
p.s. hope the back's okay by now!
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Thanks for taking time to write so that I could get a could chuckle today!
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I stumbled on this post by chance, but could not tear myself away from it to the end. Great job! I'm looking forward for your future releases on this subject.
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I've been stalking your blog to see when you'd be back
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