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Them Some Pearly Whites
Posted by Sheri at 9/23/2007 3:49 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
I'm afraid that today I am the bearer of bad news for all of you stellar parents out there. I know everyone reading this is a proactive, thoughtful parent who only wants to make her children happy. Or at least wants to make one of her children happy at a time. You can never want to make all of your children happy at the same time because that's counterintuitive. For example, if you want Junior to be happy, then you have to want Juniorette to get clobbered over the head with Dancing Elmo. And if you want Juniorette to be happy, then you have to be willing to sacrifice Junior's pet frog to the porcelin god so Juniorette can have legitimate cause to practice her rousing rendition of Amazing Grace, which she's been telling you all week she's going to do, but you didn't realize it was going to be to commemorate Junior's pet frog's passing.
Why do you people even have pet frogs, anyway? Have you ever heard of a goldfish? Okay, where was I going with this?
Of course, the bad news. The price of frogs just went up!
No, no, no. I'm kidding, Kermit. My bad news is that pediatric dentistry is a sham. Or is it a scam? Either way it is a four letter word that begins with “s” and ends in “am.” I think I've made my point.
Last week I took Crusher to a pediatric dentist for his first teeth cleaning. They were fabulous with him. They had a child-friendly lobby with piles of toys, ran right on time, got him very excited about all things teeth, and then it happened. The ten straight minutes of advice. Something about sugar bunnies and sippy cups and juice and fluoride and brushing twice a day. And I can tell you right now however you have been brushing your kids' teeth is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I gave this dentist every opportunity to praise the strategy that's been working day in and day out at the Minivan Household, but she was so quick to dismiss.
I don't think I could've been any more passionate about how much Crusher and Bam Bam enjoy sucking a huge dollop of non-fluoride toothpaste off of their toothbrush every night then immediately throwing the toothbrush in the sink. Why is her way right and my way wrong? Where did this quack go to dental school, anyway? The National Dental School of Messing up Perfectly Good Nighttime Routines?
And to make it even better, in the middle of her diatribe Crusher asked for his sippy. The dentist quipped, “That's water in there, right?” So I lied. “Right!” And do you need to be escorted through the rest of this scene, or have you already gathered how Crusher threw his poor mama right under the bus?
“No, Mommy. It's apple juice.”
So Crusher and the frog got flushed down the toilet. The end.
Wait! Come back! I didn’t really flush the frog down the toilet.
Believe it or not I actually embraced Dr. Quack’s tooth brushing technique that night at home. I sat Crusher down on my lap, wrapped his legs around me then rolled him back onto Ethan’s lap who was sitting facing me. We scrubbed his teeth with a dab of Uncle Tom’s All Natural Fluoride Toothpaste, being very careful to properly scrub where the teeth meet the gums. Crusher was a champ! I couldn’t believe he stayed so still during this invasive procedure. I was so pleased with his behavior I rewarded him with a Tootsie Roll.
And ya know what? The following day he couldn’t wait to brush his teeth again. Dr. Quack’s a genius!
That is how the dentist had me brush Luke's(5) teeth. But when David(13) was little it wasn't that way. Plus, David has never had a cavity!
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Man, if I manage to get that toothbrush between their clenched lips and into contact with some of the teeth, that's a pretty good toothbrushing session right there.
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So, am I bad for not having taken my boys to a dentist yet? Yeah, my five year old really needs to go I think. I've got to get my priorities straight. I suppose if they've inherited my thin enamel they're already swimming in cavities. Yikes!
Love the comic at the end.
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Well you just saved me a trip to the pediatric dentist...insert child between legs and brush! Got it! Thanks a million!!! My little Hank loves to suck the toothpaste and throw the toothbrush in the sink, too.
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I'm wishing we had a pediatric dentist around because we've been to 2 regular ones and they are not at all kid-friendly... I'm currently searching for another new one because the one we've been going to this year completely ticked me off when Abby got 2 cavities filled last month and he didn't even take the time to explain what he was doing so she (understandably) freaked out and he had no idea how to deal with that. Ugh!
Brushing Becca's teeth is like a wrestling match most nights!
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Wait, you're supposed to brush twice a day? And not use a sippy cup? I guess I need to throw all of mine out...dam it.
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You brush at night? Are you trying to make me look bad? I can barely get child to suck the stuff off the brush. And, when I hold him down, I have not hands left to "tickle" him. Which is what he calls brushing. Does this doctor have kids? Cause, seriously, water? Like any child would drink that!
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You'd think that dentists would be promoting the juice drinking and such. They are going to put themselves right out of business.
I, too, enjoy the twice-daily wrestling routine with the Toddler. I feel that we really bond, as mother and daughter, when I am forcing her Baby Einstein toothbrush between clenched lips.
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I remember the dental assistant making me stand behind one of my kids and showing her how I brushed their teeth at home. My kid was SIX FREAKIN'YEARS OLD. Of course I didn't brush her teeth. But of course, I also lied and stood behind her and brushed away. And did a crppy job. Have you ever tried brushing upside down and from behind someone?
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Yes, the dentist sometime overstep their bounds and get all preachy.
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Oh god, I agree with Karen. If the brush gets in the mouth, it is a good day. And we do try!
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Their teeth are all going to fall out in a few years anyway.
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I was a little shocked when I filled out a survey at my health clinic and lost points for giving my toddler non flouride toothpaste. I was under the impression flouride was bad for them.
I am lucky if I can get my 12 and 11 year olds to brush their teeth, nevermind the 2 and 1 year olds that I supposedly have total control over.
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I have passed on a blogger award to you. Check out my blog! :o)
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Sometimes? I have to sit on Little man's chest with his arms pinned under my thighs, and see how many teeth I can brush in 10 seconds. The brushing of teeth around here is usually followed by shots of tequila.
Luckily, my dentist has a two-year old too. So he understands.
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I'm so glad I read this. We are getting ready to have our first dental appointment. I'm sure I have waited way too long but Jayke is a good brusher and I know they aren't going to do much to him at this age. Now I can be prepared.
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Aaaaargh...dentists!
Aaaaarrrgggghhhhhhh....brushing Gozars' teeth (note: occassionally managing to get past his lips to his tongue with brush before it gets launched at toilet bowl!!!)
Yes indeed honey....the teeth brushing thingy.......makes me crave vodka in the form of an IV drip.......brilliant post.
xx
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Your kids brush their teeth?
Maybe I should look into this practice.
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We do the same thing, only we reward the 3 year old with M&M's. Is there something wrong with that?
Our youngest, however, cannot be bribed. So we've decided to just let his teeth rot & fall out of his mouth. That will teach him!
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Oh, your dentist would love us. We *always* do the right things. We use our electric Oral B's after every meal and before bed, we brush for a full 2 minutes (we use a timer), we floss twice a day, we rinse with mouthwash, drink fluoridated water, we never, ever eat candy or raisins or anything sticky and of course we've never, ever had a sippy cup.
What? you don't believe me?
Now if only my children could actually find the bathroom sink....
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Don't even get Bossy started!
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We actually have the kids' second dental visit this week, yes I know only their scond you're asking? I looked at it that the kids really didnt need to see a dentist until they started school and it seems the dental care, limited sugar, and crying so loud that I was able to get ALL of their teeth brush seemed to be working. Claire's teeth were perfect that visit and Taylor did have one tiny cavity, due to some serious deep ass grooves in his teeth. Wish us luck for Thursday's visit!
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First, Mandy and I have the SAME son named Hank! Second, Thank You for helping me see the lighter side of teeth cleaning - or - daily struggle to feel like I actually try to clean their teeth. Which flavor is your kid's favorite? Bubble gum or fruit punch?
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Why oh why do I continue to blog? I'm quitting and devoting myself to your fan club. Is the position of president already taken? You are too funny for me not to do this.
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Ahhhh, the dentist speech. I consider success any time I get a toothbrush to actually brush A tooth before they've sucked down the toothpaste and asked for more.
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I just made an appointment for our three year old ...
http://soodz.com/blog
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Try this joke with that dentist next time:
What do you call a doctor who failed out of medical school?
A dentist.
Clever, huh? I think he'll like it.
Jane, Pinks & Blues
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I'm totally trying that tootsie roll trick. Why didn't I think of that?? LOL
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I'm sure our first visit to the dentist for Snuggle Bug will be a doozy, considering he'll be 3 years old in December and we haven't taken him in to a dentist yet. In my defense, my pediatrican told me I could wait until he was 3 to start.
We do brush his teeth every night and sometimes twice a day. He doesn't drink much juice but he makes up for that in chocolate milk.
Oh, and he gets mini tootsie rolls when he goes potty while we're out and about. That's my method of bribing and it works great!
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Oh my FREAKING god! You are so damn funny! I am so overdue to bring the kids to the dentist... but hey you just made me REALLY happy that I haven't!! So hey..... thanks for reassuring me to "forget" my appointment for a little longer!!
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That is heeelarious! I love that you got outed at the dentist by Crusher! I also embrace that you gave him a tootsie roll because he sat so nice for his teeth brushing. But really! Isn't that why they get to pull all those sugar coated baby teeth....and get the big ones? So we can hush them up with sugar....right! (I found you by way of Annie...at Anniethology....Fun!)
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The little stinkers, how come Mommy always gets thrown under the bus?
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I dread the dentist appts with my boyz. I get the "sucking thumb" lecture. And how I should just MAKE Middle (who's 3) STOP SUCKING. Ummm...and how do I do that, doc? Do YOU want to come over and wean him from his thumb yourself? Cuz that would be A-OK with me.
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oh yes, i've been completely offended by our pediatric dentist. they were also SO great with the kids and then the questions started. you'd think we were having social services over for dinner. "do your kids eat a lot of candy? drink a lot of juice and soda? do you put them to bed with a sippy cup of beer? because these teeth are decaying faster than we can clean them"
i was appalled. especially because i truthfully NEVER give my kids soda and i greatly limit their juice and candy needs. i've found injecting it by IV really keeps their teeth looking purty.
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Sorry to hear about your van! hope you got it up and running soon. Today, I locked my keys in the car. What a pain!
By the way, I can't believe you're just getting to teaching your kids some choice new words. Mine have known those words for AGES!
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I remember when the pediatric dentist told me that my 2 year old needed to floss every day. I asked him if he could write a prescription for a sedative; for me!
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You are hilarious!
My favorite part of the trips to the dentist is when they give the kids the special purple mouthwash that sticks to the plaque in their mouth so they can see exactly where they haven't been brushing.
It's like a dental lie detector.
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My neighbor's kids all have full mouths of entirely metal teeth. At first I thought it was a fashion statement, but it turns out they "had no idea" it was a bad idea to feed their kids entirely on candy and soda.
Do you know what my kids would do if I gave them a cup with water in it? HAHAHAHAHA! I think dentists need to realize that we do the best we can within reason.
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What gets me is the flossing lecture. I generally like our dentist but damn does he know how freakin' hard it is to floss a 4 year olds teeth.
I like to pick my battles wisely. The battle of the flossing...yeah not interested in having that every single night.
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You have just described the reason I gave birth to my children 7 years apart - so one of them could be out of the house while the other was going through puberty (one teenager at a time - just one, thank God). Love your blog title. I can't remember how I found you.
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If you think on visit to a pediatric dentist is bad try having a pediatric detal asst. for a mother! Everytime I am on the phone it is like...how are Thing 1's teeth? Have you started brushing Thing 2's teeth? You know you really should get on that!
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Hiya sweetie....just going round my favourite reads and dropping off virtual cocktails, I know it's not the same as the real thing, but as I can't fed ex it to you, this is the next best thing!!
So, for you, my hilarious minivan-driving-friend, I bring a 'Blue Champagne', reserved for only my FAVOURITE reads.
You have a great weekend now!!!!!
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Have I told you I love you lately? Because you make me feel good! Stupid quack dentists (and you reminded me--I've got to schedule another appointment for me kids...). (Stupid quack dentists rolling in dough!)
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making your kiddo brush all the time just bites (no pun intended). I hate having to hassle them over that. Maybe we'll just invest in dentures now....its a thought.
Sorry I haven't visited in a while. I'm way behind
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Andrew is in love with his flavored toothpaste, so we came up with a compromise-yes, gotta love "deal or no deal: the toddler edition"-I have to brush his teeth thoroughly before he can sit there and suck the paste off.
Now if only the potty was that easy...can't think of any trades on that one....
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Teeth?? They have teeth? We're supposed to brush their teeth?
Drink. Everthing, including teeth brushing is MUCH better when you're tipsy.
Love the tootsie roll idea too.
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Oh how things have changed. When Spawn and the Minions were little, it was ok for them to just chew on the toothbrush.
Of course, back then, it was ok for them to drink from the dog's water dish, too.
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Electric toothbrush or Unplugged?
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Tag, dear, you're it!
http://hankandwillie.wordpress.com/2007/10/02/fabulous-fours/
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Isn't it just like them to pee in your cheerios when you think you're on a roll?
I went to Target (I'm pronouncing it Tar-gay just so you know) and got the girls those singing toothbrushes that plays a song for the amount of time they are supposed to brush. My job here is done.
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$5.99
Vibrating Spongebob
=
Mommy, can I brush my teeth?
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Okay, where the heck are you? I keep coming over to get my daily laugh and you're no where to be found!
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Oh, too funny! I have some thoughts about this topic, so I may contact you about it. it's been on my mind a lot as we wrestle two toddlers at night to brush their teeth.
Tonight we discovered the beauty of their vibrating voices. Aaahhh! It makes them open wide, and they think it's a ton of fun so we can actually brush their darn teeth for once!
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Hey Sheri,
I hope everything is alright. I've missed ya!
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Hey woman you alive over there? Have the kids locked you in a closet? I hope every thing's okay.
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Haa Haa! That is too funny! This made me realize how great our pediatric dentist is - I'd never thought about it. My pediatrician was a stickler though for no bottles after 12 months. What the hell? Who cares as long as they don't take it to college? I used to hide Shark Boy's bottles inside the diaper bag. (Too bad he called you out on the apple juice!)
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LOL. And as far as I can figure out no matter how many times you change the way you brush and floss, even following the dentist's advice, the following year you are STILL doing it ALL WRONG.
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Ugh. The dentist. Double ugh taking my kids to the dentist.
My oldest threw me under the bus, too, once. Told our pediatrician his favorite breakfast was Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch.
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Ugh, this post served as a reminder to me to call and make an appointment with my own daughter's pediatric dentist... why do these appointments cause so much more anxiety on the part of the parent than on the kid?
Let me rephrase that - on the part of the MOTHER... I am almost certain that my husband wouldn't consider a trip to the dentist a measure of his parenting skills.
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So what you're telling me is that when I take Ironflower to her first dentist visit next month, I should totally lie, right? And put water in the sippy cups. Got it. Thank you.
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