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If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time! (Page 7)
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Now that your baby is resting peacefully in an open bassinet, you will have the privilege of dressing him in street clothes. No matter what you do, do not take the advice of the doctors and nurses around you with countless years of collective experience with premature children. You must go out and spend as much money as you can comfortably afford, plus another 10%, on preemie clothes. Yes, he is happy in the free hospital-issued onesie. Yes, there are perfectly good hand-me-down outfits the hospital will loan you at no cost. Yes, he will outgrow the preemie outfits before you know it.But this is the suburbs!
What kind of a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger are you trying to raise here? If you don’t begin overindulging your baby now, he may never fit in. He may grow envious and resentful and rebel. Is that what you want? What if, thanks to you, one day next week you come to the hospital to visit your son and he’s waiting for you on the curb because he got kicked out of the NICU for smoking a doobie while perusing girlie magazines because you’re trying to save money on preemie clothes to cover the hospital bill. Think, people, think!
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Now that you’ve appropriately adorned your newborn in $50 outfits that won’t fit a week from Tuesday, you can focus on the medical care he is receiving. You may have noticed when he’s having trouble breathing that he is given a caffeine stimulant that will help him breathe more easily.
Crusher’s nurses referred to this caffeine therapy as “frappa-boo-boo.” You must do the same. If you don’t, he may confuse his caffeine treatment with McDonald’s new line of “signature” hot coffee drinks. What are you raising, a premature Neanderthal?
It's a wonder why some people even have children.
Where I come from it's more like, you better have 6 changes of clothes a day, AND be prepared to change your look should you get a new neighbor who LOOKS like they might pose a fashion threat to you. Fantastic description of the funniest and scariest times a parent and baby can go through!
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Yup, you can ruin these kids' lives pretty early on, without even trying. I do hope you had your 300-dollar stroller ready...
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Funny as always...lol!!!
I too bought Caleb like 10 preemie outfits and he too out grow them in record time. One or two he only wore once! :o)
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Thank God - someone with sense enough to ignore all those people with those annoying years of valuable experience. And don't let anyone steal the joy of seeing your $50 outfit get all poopied up 3 minutes after you put it on.
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Hey, when you wait that long to put them in regular clothing, you don't care if the outfit costs $50, or $150.
In our house the preemie outfits actually lasted nearly 3 months, so we got good use out of them.
Incidentally, why exactly do preemie outfits have to cost *more* than a newborn outfit? Up here in Canada we had very little choice in the preemie selection, and it was at least double the cost of a newborn outfit. An emergency trip over the border to Carters solved that problem!
Loving this series!
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This was hilarious! When my friend's daughter was born weighing 5 lbs 3 oz she declared her as too tiny and went out and bought her 2 preemie outfits for $45 each. I think she wore one once. My friebnd works in a NICU and buys preemie outfits at garage sales and goodwill and whatnot for the babies to wear. She says they just look cuter in proper clothes, though they are all stamped with the name of the hospital across their ass. Because, yes, parents actually steal the outfits.
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Thank you again for the humorous story and the really cute picture. I imagine it was not as funny at the time.
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"Mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger."
I am *so* going to work that into a conversation.
Hilarious, as always.
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I did not have a preemie. But I did have the polar opposite---a 9lb, 8oz baby! who I insisted on putting into those adorable newborn clothes---they are just much, much cuter than the 3-6 month clothes! so I bought her a ton (also overcompensating because I didn't want her to be stuck wearing her sister's handmedowns) and I think she wore a newborn outfit maybe twice? and the rest just looked cute in her dresser. She was way too huge! seriously this girl was 22 pounds by the time she was 4 1/2 months. Not kidding! (she's normal now, by the way)
Thanks for the series---I am loving it!
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Can I say that he is just adorable? I totally would have spent the 50 bucks for a onesie for him. Those nurses can suck it.
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Frappa-boo-boo? That's fantastic! I feel like I can now stroll into my local NICU and start speaking Nicu-ese with the regulars there.
Thanks!
Jamie
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I tried to tell people not to give me newborn outfits at my baby shower. I tried to tell them she would be over 10 pounds. Nobody believed me.
At least there's Ebay.
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My oldest wore his preemie outfits for at least 3 weeks, which, of course, entitled me to spend 6 times as much as I could easily afford, plus 10%.
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Experience scherience or whatever, what do they know when it comes to your baby? You did the right thing by going out and grabbing as many expensive preemie clothes as you could get your hands on!
I'm still loving this little mini-series and the pictures are so cute!
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It is also a wonder why some people don't write books!!
That was hilarious! I am really loving this series. It's awesome that you are putting a humerous spin on something that is far from that. I would imagine that you have to try to stay lighthearted in that situation.
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I often think of the caffeine treatments when I have my own "frappa-boo-boo" which, today, is a diet coke. I'm not breathing any better, as far as I can tell!
I had a stash of preemie clothes from a fellow mom of a preemie, and I just donated them back to the NICU, it felt good!
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My kids weren't preemies, but were really tiny. Everyone told us to not buy preemie clothes, but you just. Can't. Help. It. Baby clothes are like drugs.
I love the term "frappa-boo-boo!"
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Uncle Sam: Thank God for Suburbia! How else would the economy function without people addicted to PBK, who must continue to buy new clothes, and McMansions. Thank you children of the 80s! Reganomics works for me!
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Yep. He is sooo cute. I'd spend the college fund on the duds too.
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hehe ... When Becca was born early I sent my Dad and husband out to get her some clothes ... they brought the cutest tiniest outfits to the hospital. They later told me the walked aimlessly around the baby department until a saleswoman took pity on them, asked what they needed and picked out the outfits!
http://soodz.com/blog
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i just love dressing babies up like real people. i mean, why make them look like they're checking into a retirement home? they're faces already look like old men, they don't need frumpy hospital clothes to worsen the effect. it takes at least a month for their faces to unscrunch, even longer for premies...
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Adorable! The outfit was totally worth it.
When I couldn't take my girls home right away, special preemie outfits seemed so worth it. Not fair that they were ridiculously priced and so hard to find, but so worth it.
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Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your writing...I have a 20 year old nephew who was a 3lb, 11 oz-er, and at the time we were limited to "borrowing" Teddy Ruxpin clothes for him.
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I could use a Frapa-boo-boo right now, actually. Does Crusher have any left he could send me?
Little Man didn't fit in newborn clothes for the first three weeks. Luckily for me, I had as a client a gently used kids' clothing store, so I bought three outfits for him for about $20. But I'd also bought him a $20 umbrella stroller, so obviously I was very unhip to what I was supposed to do at the time.
I was a first-time mom who obviously didn't read enough celebrity parenting magazines, which would have told me that a onesie should never cost less than $75.
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Too funny, as always! Glad you decided to continue!
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I was just thinking the same thing as Catwoman! Do the sell Frapa-boo-boo at CVS? How about in some hidden alley? Cute picture! I have two boys and you would've thought I wouldn't have spent money on clothes for the second. I just had to by a baby outfit or two or five for him.
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You capture every detail so magnificently!
When Audrey was born prematurely 29.5 years ago, there was no such thing as preemie clothing. We took a 5 pound baby home (after weeks in the preemie unit) in a 10 pound outfit.
You know the saying... "How do you squeeze 10 pounds of shit into a 5 pound bag?"... well, think just the opposite.
I was devastated as it was... then my mother-in-law told me, as we arrived home with her for the first time, "She looks like a little rag-a-muffin."
Gee, thanks Mom! Like I didn't feel shitty enough.
Thank God Jane arrived only a tad early, weighing in at a whopping (for me!) 7 lbs. 6 oz., and fitting into real clothing!
Sharon - Pinks & Blues Girls
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I could so use a Frapa-boo-boo right about now.
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Thank you thank you thank you for your supportive and awesome comments over on my blog!
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I love me some Frappa-boo-boo. I also get mine in the form of diet coke. I also think you've got a book in you. Imagine how popular it would be--you'd be able make all those NICU parents laugh. It sounds like that's something they could all use. Write on
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I mean really could you been any funnier...well you probably could! You are taking what I am sure was a horrid experience..and making great light of it...it's wonderful..I so enjoy reading!
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Oh funny! I'm another one who had a watermelon pulled from her cooche. I didn't have not one preemie outfit. Shoot, we even skipped newborn diapers and went straight to size 1.
My cooche has never been the same.
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When Luke was born we were in Germany. We couldn't find ANY preemie clothes, the hospital had to give us diapers for 2 months, because no one sold preemie diapers! Therefore, my crumb snatcher lived in newborn t-shirts that came to his ankles and gowns!
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We never got to wear preemie clothes, we never even got to wear newborn. That is what happens when you have a 10lb baby. His NICU nickname was Little Sumo. Think how much money I wasted before I gave birth to the little whale.
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I am rolling, you are hysterical!
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