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If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time! (Page 4)
Jaundice is a fairly common complication for babies, even more prevalent with preemies. In the event your newborn’s Billy Rubin levels are too high, he will be placed under a bright light and fitted with very masculine sunglasses. If the nurse doesn’t draw eyelashes on his shades, it’s because she hates you and your baby, just as you suspected.
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Crusher chills: 3 lbs, 13 ozs of solid steel
If when you get home that night and Google “jaundice” and learn that Billy Rubin is actually “bilirubin” (a yellowish-orange pigment) and not that kid from the seventh grade who invited you to his Bar Mitzvah but then danced with your best friend Sarah all night, it’s okay if you make the personal choice not to publicly admit that. But if you do, make sure you mention that Billy is a mama’s boy and Sarah wears a training bra.
If when you get home that night and Google “jaundice” and learn that Billy Rubin is actually “bilirubin” (a yellowish-orange pigment) and not that kid from the seventh grade who invited you to his Bar Mitzvah but then danced with your best friend Sarah all night, it’s okay if you make the personal choice not to publicly admit that. But if you do, make sure you mention that Billy is a mama’s boy and Sarah wears a training bra.
As you can see from the above picture, wires, tubes, and other extraneous apparatus are all part of the NICU experience. That picture was taken when Crusher was a week old. For his first two days of life he was on a ventilator which did his breathing for him because he was unable to do so on his own. This is a sobering introduction into motherhood and is best handled by emotional eating. If you do not have a Cheesecake Factory near your home and if pumpkin cheesecake is not in season, you should immediately find an alternative coping strategy. I am not suggesting you mindlessly concede to a life of drugs, alcohol, and crime. All I’m saying is John Gotti’s kids always got eyelashes drawn on their jaundice shades.
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A special thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts on my public opinion poll. I have decided to continue on my satirical journey with this story, and at some point down the road will fill in the blanks with the actual circumstances surrounding Crusher's difficult start in life. I will give you adequate warning prior to writing anything serious so you can take cover if desired!
hello my dear! That made me laugh out loud, and I feel entitled to laugh at that post seeing as both my rugrats were on the bilirubin "blanket" treatment... How do they manage to call a hard plastic BOARD a blanket? WTF? My daughter was called Ellie-rubin for the first year of her life because of her weeklong jaundice-forced-stay in the hospital. Ah, the sweet memories... Thanks for the post on my blog by the way, that was really sweet! I look forward to your posts every single day. Can you tell, it's midnight and here I am checking!
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Love the eyelashes. They also draw hearts on the tape holding the gastric tube in place, but I never got the skinny on that code. They like you? They like your baby but don't like you? They like the ice cream cake you brought them?
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I handle every difficult situation I'm in with emotional eating. A half gallon of ice cream, consumed entirely by me in one sitting usually does the trick.
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awww ... so tiny. My first born was in the NICU for a week. A shawdow in comparison, but difficult no less. We had the snazzy eye protection, I did not know that some kids did not get the eye lashes!
http://soodz.com/blog
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Well, I guess our nurse hated me as expected because Taylor's glasses never had cute drawn on eyes. Hmmpphhh. I wonder if I can still complain 5 years later?
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What long lashes he had! : ) And I never knew how to spell bilirubin either - I would totally have spelled it Billy Rubin.
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Sheri, you crack me up every day! Belle didn't get lashes! I'm so going to complain!Maybe it was because no one could touch her...or she pooped on three nurses in one day! Hmmm...
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Billy Rubin is a POS.
I know this, first hand.
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We must be cut from the same cloth. Mine had jaundice, too, and I used to say, "Who's Billy Rubin? Isn't he the PM of Israel?" You gave me a big laugh. Thanks a million.
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So tiny! Hey, wait a minute, Hollis never got eyelashes....
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I'm trying to push my bowl of Cheese Itz slowly away so I don't have to admit my emotional eating in my comment....just pretend you don't see the crumbs...
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I had to go look up Billy Rubin too. The doctor's weren't certain whether Q needed to stint in the light box, but since I needed to stay in the hospital for an extra day anyway, they put him in as a bonus. I guess. We didn't get eyelashes though!
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We didn't have to do the light thing but all the wires look familiar. We ended up having to have his IV put in his head which looked really bad because he kept pulling it out of his hand.
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Look at him, so stylish, and I must say, he looks great in blue.
Plus, I love the way you handle all this. You should be a NICU coach.
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Sobering introduction, indeed, and after such a journey. Such a tiny little scrap of person...and working so hard. I like your approach to this, but understand it has the flip side, too.
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I love the eyelashes!
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Awww... wook at dat widdle guy! It must have been so hard.
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He's so freaking tough, he even makes drawn eye lashes look manly.
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The eyelashes are da bomb.
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We didn't get eyelashes! Damn!
His sunglasses WERE held on with heart shaped velcro, though!
Hey, can I write the real sob story of a 32 weeker (my Little Man) and you can write the satirical one? Let me know, and I'll get started on it. Maybe some of your fans would like to mosey on over to my site for that kind of stuff.
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My nephew had juandice as well and they gave him these purple thick google things. My sister kept calling then his "cool shades" they were cute. Although I thought they were annoying I guess you have to find the humor in every situation..but you know that!
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He was so cute. I have always called those boxes baby-cookers for those of us who were born not completely cooked. I was in one, under the lights for 4 days.
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Billy Rubin. What an idiot.
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Just reread my comment and realized it could be construed as unkind. In my attempts to be witty, I often find myself misunderstood. Just to clarify: Billy Rubin is an idiot for dissing Crusher's Mama for Sarah at that Bar Mitzvah back in the day.
The eyelashes are a nice touch.
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"If when you get home that night and Google “jaundice” and learn that Billy Rubin is actually “bilirubin” (a yellowish-orange pigment) and not that kid from the seventh grade who invited you to his Bar Mitzvah but then danced with your best friend Sarah all night, it’s okay if you make the personal choice not to publicly admit that. But if you do, make sure you mention that Billy is a mama’s boy and Sarah wears a training bra."
This paragraph alone has cheered me up for a week.
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I wandered over to your blog linked from another. I love the picture with this post because it reminds me of what we called my son's "day at the tanning bed."
My alternative to pumpkin cheesecake (dear lord why did I read that? I'm needing to devour one now) was a death by chocolate concoction at Cold Stone Creamery which was across the street from our NICU.
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My cousin brother went to the ventilator for two days, after his birth. Eyelashes were being provided there. Eyelashes would be a much better idea for this and they are nice indeed.
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Yeah, I fact that protection is very much necessary for the other people as well, and hope so no one should have to face such situation,
God will help for sure
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