If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time! (Page 3)

Posted by Sheri at 8/29/2007 9:53 PM
Categories: Page 3

In the unfortunate circumstance you do have a baby born prematurely or with other health concerns, he may have to spend some time in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).  To prepare you for this experience, you should be aware that all babies in the NICU are hooked-up to monitors.  Actually, just to be safe, all babies named NICK are monitored. 

The monitor will beep incessantly.  The first few times it beeps you will react like any new parent would.  As soon as you’ve calmed down after running a lap around the perimeter of the NICU with your maternity pants wrapped around your ankles, frantically screaming, “OH CRAP!  OH CRAP!  OOOHHH CRAAAP!!” at the top of your lungs even though there was a nurse sitting right next to you the entire time, she will explain to you the beeping is not due to a problem with the baby, but rather because the wires came loose.  Your baby weighs less than 4 lbs. and was sleeping perfectly still.  Do not question how the wires came loose.  You have to accept good news as it comes, so it’s in your best interest to take it for what it’s worth, then go right back to admiring how your baby is smarter than the 4 lb. midget in the next pod.  

Even though you’ve taken the time to notice that the baby sleeping in the incubator next to yours doesn’t even know his letters yet, it is very important to never make eye contact with another baby's parents.  The NICU staff will inform you upon arrival of proper NICU etiquette.  No family is ever to ask another family about their child’s condition.  However, if another baby’s parents suddenly burst into flames, it’s okay to call the fire department, but please do not use your cell phone in the NICU. 

As you can see, acronyms are a very important part of the culture in the NICU.  It's okay if you don't know what they all mean.  Nobody does.  Acronyms are actually just a means of sidestepping uncomfortable confrontations for doctors.  Parents, especially those with sick children, do not appreciate when the doctor says, “I don't know.”  For example:

Mom:  When will my baby be coming home?

Dr:  I don't know.

Wrong answer!  Doctor bursts into flames.  Let’s see what the right answer looks like:

Mom:  When will my baby be coming home?

Dr:  As soon as he's eating well, he'll be coming home STAT.  And then he can go SCUBA diving, as long as he stays under the RADAR.

Mom:  Thanks, Doc.  That's what we were thinking.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I’ve decided to start rambling on and on in some sort of sequential order beginning with Crusher’s birth.  Except for on days when I decide to ramble out of order.  Entries titled “If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time!” are part of my  little writing project to help keep me entertained.  It’s satirical.  It’s only based on truth.  In real life, I’ve killed far fewer people.  I’m so excited about making fun of my kids in chronological order that I’ve even started a "If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time!” link in the column on the left where all of these entries will be posted in order .  Some people would’ve been able to figure out how to do that in less than three hours.  Some people are losers.

 

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