If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time! (Page 2)

Posted by Sheri at 8/28/2007 7:25 AM
Categories: Page 2

There aren’t a lot of things more difficult than going to the hospital pregnant and coming home without your baby.  Unless of course you’re still pregnant when you leave the hospital because you only went there to visit a friend. 

 

Fortunately, even if you have to go home without your baby, you can still come home with your husband.  I’m going to have to advise against this.  You’re upset.  You’re trying to cope with the shock of this unexpected turn of events, and he’ll make some thoughtless remark such as, “Sooo (in his best Jacques Cousteau accent), I guess this means your six week follow-up appointment (wink, wink) will be earlier than expected (insert obnoxious animal sound here).

 

You will be so busy preparing the house for your baby's eventual homecoming, you won’t even have time to call all of your girlfriends and laugh uncontrollably about how your husband thinks his key still fits after that insensitive remark he made, in a French accent no less. 

 

Fortunately for your husband, you won’t have time to hire a locksmith because you'll be too overwhelmed dealing with the insurance company, since you will have met your annual family deductible within six minutes of your child’s high-risk birth.  If when your baby is born, like mine, he isn’t able to breathe on his own, you will hope you have a “breathing clause” in your insurance policy. 

 

Breathing does not come standard with most insurance plans.  If you do not have this supplemental clause, it will take the grand efforts of everybody in the insurance company putting their heads together in a virtual think tank to determine the necessity of breathing.  They will ask you questions such as, “When he wasn’t breathing, how long did the doctors wait to see if he would start breathing on his own before beginning expensive intubation techniques?  What?  They didn’t wait the requisite 15 minutes?  Ma’am, are you aware sperm was used to create your son, who one day will produce sperm of his own, and the sperm whale can go up to two hours straight without breathing?  Doesn’t look good, ma’am, doesn’t look good.

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I’ve decided to start rambling on and on in some sort of sequential order beginning with Crusher’s birth.  Except for on days when I decide to ramble out of order.  Entries titled “If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time!” are part of my  little writing project to help keep me entertained.  It’s satirical.  It’s only based on truth.  In real life, I’ve killed far fewer people.  I’m so excited about making fun of my kids in chronological order that I’ve even started a "If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time!” link in the column on the left where all of these entries will be posted in order .  Some people would’ve been able to figure out how to do that in less than three hours.  Some people are losers.

 

 

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