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If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time! (Page 2)
There aren’t a lot of things more difficult than going to the hospital pregnant and coming home without your baby. Unless of course you’re still pregnant when you leave the hospital because you only went there to visit a friend.
Fortunately, even if you have to go home without your baby, you can still come home with your husband. I’m going to have to advise against this. You’re upset. You’re trying to cope with the shock of this unexpected turn of events, and he’ll make some thoughtless remark such as, “Sooo (in his best Jacques Cousteau accent), I guess this means your six week follow-up appointment (wink, wink) will be earlier than expected (insert obnoxious animal sound here).
You will be so busy preparing the house for your baby's eventual homecoming, you won’t even have time to call all of your girlfriends and laugh uncontrollably about how your husband thinks his key still fits after that insensitive remark he made, in a French accent no less.
Fortunately for your husband, you won’t have time to hire a locksmith because you'll be too overwhelmed dealing with the insurance company, since you will have met your annual family deductible within six minutes of your child’s high-risk birth. If when your baby is born, like mine, he isn’t able to breathe on his own, you will hope you have a “breathing clause” in your insurance policy.
Breathing does not come standard with most insurance plans. If you do not have this supplemental clause, it will take the grand efforts of everybody in the insurance company putting their heads together in a virtual think tank to determine the necessity of breathing. They will ask you questions such as, “When he wasn’t breathing, how long did the doctors wait to see if he would start breathing on his own before beginning expensive intubation techniques? What? They didn’t wait the requisite 15 minutes? Ma’am, are you aware sperm was used to create your son, who one day will produce sperm of his own, and the sperm whale can go up to two hours straight without breathing? Doesn’t look good, ma’am, doesn’t look good.
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I’ve decided to start rambling on and on in some sort of sequential order beginning with Crusher’s birth. Except for on days when I decide to ramble out of order. Entries titled “If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time!” are part of my little writing project to help keep me entertained. It’s satirical. It’s only based on truth. In real life, I’ve killed far fewer people. I’m so excited about making fun of my kids in chronological order that I’ve even started a "If I Have To Put My Drink Down One More Time!” link in the column on the left where all of these entries will be posted in order . Some people would’ve been able to figure out how to do that in less than three hours. Some people are losers.
I love insurance companies! We had to take Belle when she was 5 days old to the NICU, and then the insurance (military mind you) told us they couldn't pay for it because we didn't have their approval first for this life saving hospital stay. I now have them on speed dial and will call them if I have a hangnail!
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I remember asking what my son's Apgar was at birth. When they didn't answer & I managed to heave my whale of a body up to see the bluish thing they desperately were shaking, I began to worry. Don't you love it when you have done something so amazing as to produce a new life & then all hell breaks loose?
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I am so thankful for our healthcare system in Alberta right now.
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Can I just say that I absolutely love this little mini-series of yours? I swear, sometimes I read your posts and consider never writing again because I know that nothing I write will be as funny or creative of yours. Thanks so much for the kick to the stomach. I must go to therapy now. My insurance company says that they will send you the bills. thanks!
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Insurance companies suck.
I love this series. I swear only you could make a NICU stay seem funny in any way.
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Ok Tell me you made up your husband's comment in a french accent....
Breathing includes respiratory therapy and that is how insurance companies get away from paying it. Just what you needed, extra stress. Hugs
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I am obviously still traumatized from my daughter's hospital stay because I find that I start sweating and my heart rate increases when I read these entries. I think there's a reason you waited 3 years to write this story. I may have to wait 3 years to read it...
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You, my dear, are hilarious. Oh, and, what Tracy up there said!
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You know what they say about guys with big feet... big keys. Yes, I agree with Tracy and others, you've single-handedly made me feel like hanging up my keyboard on more than one occasion. Damn you and your rapier wit!
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I cannot believe you ever forgave your husband!
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This IS a great series. That's it. No, really. Stop reading. It's not going to suddenly get funny in this box. Seriously, I'm done. But you're very funny.
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Sheri,
You mentioned that you're in the desert where you are...email me if you will, and let me know where you are! I'm thinking of starting a Southwest Moms blog and if you're in the region - you should join! getinthecar6@gmail.com
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HAHAHAHA!! Sorry, I'm having trouble getting past the fact that you make a post about NICU hilarious and that you close it out with a sperm whale. I lurve reading. Please write a book.
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Not only your minivan, but your MIND is faster than mine! I am LOVING this series! Keep 'em coming! My daughter Audrey was born 6 weeks prematurely 29.5 years ago... and you are taking me down memory lane here!
Sharon - Pinks & Blues
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The sperm whale......oh I'm cracking up. Where do you get this stuff from. I swear Sheri, you could be on that friggan Last Comic Standing show.
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What Lawyer Mama said... insurance sucks. totally.
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That Breathing Clause will getcha every time!
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Gosh, I love your blog. You make me laugh every. single. time.
I'm sure this wasn't an easy time but laughter is good therapy.
And also? Insurance companies are evil. Hate them.
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I hope you get published with these ramblings. You are quite the little entertainer. I love reading your stuff. Keep it coming I am definitely onboard!
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May I slap your husband and your insurance company?
How dare your little one to have breathing issues! I'm going to go check and see if my insurance covers "breathing" and "heartbeat".
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Yah, breathing is totally overrated.
Suddenly, having to wait 12 hours in the ER in our Canadian Universal Healthcare system, doesn't seem so bad.
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Oh no he di'int!
I'm surprised you even allowed him to get his "Jacques Costeau" on soon enough to add Bam Bam to the mix a year later! In my calculations, that's only 12 weeks after Crusher was born.
Woman, were you mad!? (Or maybe he actually just didn't let you put your drink down one night...)
Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls
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Sometimes I wonder if insurance companies require a test for people to work for them. Question 1: Are you able to make up really confusing questions that no one can answer at a moment's notice?
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Apparently we have the same insurance company. Mine told me that they'd pay for my hospital stay, since I had a life-saving C-section and all, but that since there was technically nothing wrong with my son, he should have taken a cab home, rather than crashed in my hospital room.
Because we all know that hospitals will release babies the second they're born.
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Ah yes, the all-knowing and all-powerful insurance lords. Often denying claims not even arguably based on actual contract language. But, hey, denial is always worth a try, right? We were actually told by one (primary) of our two insurance companies that they denied a claim simply to see if the other one (secondary) would pay it. Sometimes they slip up and tell the truth.
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Holy crap!!!!!
They seriously ask you questions like that???!??!?!?!?!
See, what you needed in that situation was a Scottish lass who hails from Glasgow and will grab them by their little pencil-neck and squeeze until their eyeballs bulge and they promise to not only pay the bills, but give you their first born and house!!!!!
I have no clue what it must've been like to leave the hospital without your wee one.....but I'm guessing traumatic as hell....and these guys sure didn't make it any easier!
Insurance dudes suck, you rock lass.....and I am loving these posts more and more.....
I believe the word is 'addictive'!
xx
ps...my next visitors are in November...lol.....but I'm getting a week in Scotland in October for a family wedding........and I thought this year would be boring???!?!?!?!?
xx
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These posts are too funny/uncomfortably close to home.
Is your husband related to mine? Because mine made a similar comment, sans the French accent. And these posts are making me laugh, because I, too, have a similar
And me? Very grateful I live in Canada with our insurance. Whew!
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Luckily (I think) I had Medicaid at the time my preemie was born becasue I was a broke ass mama. But my do I remember the feeling of leaving the hospital without my bundle of joy, although I didnt have my husband with me because he sucked.
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I hate insurance companies, but love it when they do actually pay a bill. Mine? Will pay $15,000 for an emergency c-section, but won't pay that extra $15 for my freakin birth control!
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