Test Anxiety
I just scheduled Bam Bam's two-year-old well-visit appointment with her pediatrician, and unlike well-visits of days gone by, this time I am prepped and ready to go. As a veteran mother of a two-year-old, I have witnessed firsthand the questions I will be asked, and unlike when Crusher turned two, this time I am armed with answers other than "Um," "I dunno," and "Do some parents really know that?"
Excerpts from last year's well-visit with Crusher:
Dr: How've you been?
Me: Great, thanks (only answer I got right the whole visit).
Dr: So how many teeth does the little guy have?
Me: Um...
Dr: I'll be needing a working history on each tooth.
Me: Seriously?
Dr: I need to know the precise month, day and time his fourth side incisor appeared.
Me: What's an incisor?
Dr: Does he chew primarily on the right side or the left side of his mouth? If you were one of his teeth, which one would you be, and why?
Me: Er...
Dr: You are his mother, right?
Me: (Looking bewildered as I consider the possibility there was a mix-up at the fertility clinic.) I think so. He has my teeth.
Dr: How many words is he saying?
Me: He says stuff.
Dr: Literally, he says the word, "stuff"? Oh, you're kidding. This isn't a joke, this is a test. If you wanted to feel like a competent parent at the end of this appointment, you should have hocked an advance copy of this exam and taught to the test.
Me: He says a handful of words.
Dr: One handful or two? You really aren't doing well on this exam ma'am. Let's move on. How many bowel movements does he have a day?
Me: (Giggling like we're long lost best friends who just shared a dirty joke.) Oh, lots of poop!
Dr: Why is he pooping so much? What are you feeding him? What time of day does he poop? What do you mean you don't know? According to No Child Left Behind you only have three chances to answer these questions correctly or we're keeping your child.
Me: That's cool. Give me a call when he needs braces.
Editor's Note: Crusher received services with a preemie nurse when he was a baby and she kept asking me questions I didn't know the answers to, such as, "When he speaks in gibberish, does the gibberish begin with a vowel sound or a consonant sound?" I laughed because I thought she was joking, so a few days later I checked the mail to find a copy of the questionnaire she would be using on her next visit so I could have my answers better prepared. I am holding out very little hope that people who live with me for 18 years may someday be well-adjusted.
Lmao, I'm also glad that some good came out of my screw up today....and generally I've decided that since I can't have 'invisibility' as my super power then I'm going for 'ability-to-laugh-in-every-circumstance-even-if-face-is-turning-purple'
The questionnaires that paediatricians throw at you where I am, are on the same level of pain as pushing bamboo sticks under my fingernails for me........there really is no need for half the bloody questions they ask.......I mean, for crying out loud, who WANTS to recall their childs last poops' size, colour weight and particular odour....I believe that's called being a little ....ummmm.....FREAKY!!!!
Lol....I'm positive you'll get an A++ at your next visit. xx
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Shit woman, you kill me.
2nd kid, they should be glad you even scheduled the appointment and that you know his name.
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Ok, your pediatric doctors are entirely too nosey. I am pretty sure my kids Pediatrician thinks I am an idiot as well, but I think that's based on the fact that I try to finish his sentances in the effort NOT to look like an idiot.
M&M
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So funny! Angel Baby just had her 1 year appointment last week. Similar questions. But now that I'm a vet, I knew how to answer. But, Sugar has his 5 year appointment next week. I'm not prepared. I wish I could get a copy of the test now!
On a similar note, my MIL otherwise known as Donna Reed-June Cleaver was a ferocious baby record keeper. She had every new tooth and every lost tooth date and place recored among other things in every one of her 5 children's books. The last entry in my husband's baby book was an update with the birth of his first child at age 20! On the other hand, I record major events and major events only. Details bore me to tears. That's why these doctors' questions throw me.
If the lack of entries in my kids' baby books scar them, well, I'll just pay for the therapy.
Thanks for the laugh!
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Crap, you're supposed to take your kids to the pediatrician? Next thing you'll be telling me that they're legally supposed to start school at some point. Ok, Sher, ok.
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I just know there's a list out there floating around my peds office with a big red flag by my name. Not only do I not know the answers to their lame questions, I usually end up in there for their regularly scheduled check-ups around 6 months over due.
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You make me laugh so hard... I had the same experience with Zack's 1-year well check. I felt like a horrible parent and weaned him from the bottle that night (after being chastized for setting him on a course to hillbilly teeth). I love this post!
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I'm awful at Dr. appts. It's like my mind goes totally blank when the Dr. walks in the room. I end up forgetting all the questions I wanted to ask.
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you know the teacher in me loves this one! i'm so proud that nclb has now infiltrated the medical community. i'm sure it is equally useful there. keep 'em coming, sheri.
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They don't ask these questions at the 16yo check up! They do however take the teen aside and ask about drugs, alcohol, smoking and sex. ACK!!
FYI~I lost my 10 month old third son at the age of 10 months old from a genetic disease we did not know we carried. My grandmother died the same day, 2-2-96 and my mother died a year later at the age of 64. This is the loss I was referring to in my Bad Wife post.
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Damn.. you are SO funny.. lol.. i'll have to start looking for copies to buy online for my kids.. never thoguht of that.
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If you lived near me, I'd give you my doctor's name. He's about 105 years old and barely has a pulse. Our visits are quite the opposite of this. He kinda just checks Little Guy's ears and then says, "Well, everything looks good!" Whaaaat? He's never even asked ANYTHING about his verbal skills or gross motor developing. Nothing. (But I'm sure his ears are great!)
I think a happy medium between your doc and mine would be nice!
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Seriously? About the teeth? WHO KNOWS THAT INFORMATION?
(Am bad mother, obviously.)
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That's why I blog. To record the shit, er..momentous occasions, b/c I don't own baby books.
And is it bad that I didn't take my pediatrician's word for it that Baby was "ok" at 2 even though he's not talking? I called EI anyway and am waiting for a return call. I did this because my pedi is Chinese and I can't understand HIM, so why would I take his word that Baby is fine?
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So funny. I'm in the bad parent who doesn't know the details camp, too.
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See, I've always been terrified of tests, so whenever my pediatrician asks me a question I don't know, I just avoid it and say "well, we know that he can dance really badly, like the little white man he is. Dance Little Man! Dance!!!!!"
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Hey dude,
You won the Winnie the Pooh DVD on my review site! Congrats! E-mail me your address so I can get it out to you.
MotR
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What I hate about the MD visit (and mine are 6 &9) is questions like "Is he eating vegetables?", "Is she still in her booster chair?", "Has she quit using pull-ups?" Because now they are old enough to dispute me when I try to hedge or even (gasp!) lie to the doctor.
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Great. You make me officially never want to take my child to the dentist.
When did he get this tooth, or that tooth?
I dunno...he bites. I generally try to keep my fingers out of his choppers. Call me crazy, but I don't like getting bit.
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