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The Immaculate Birth
A few days ago my dad kept me company while I took Crusher to an appointment with a pediatric orthopedist. Prior to meeting the doctor, the nurse popped in the room to ask me a few questions as my dad helped entertain Crusher.
“What was his birth weight?” 4 lbs, 6 oz. “Is he currently on any medications?” No. “Was he a C-section?” No. “So was it vaginal?” Huh?
(Long pause while I gather myself because apparently she comes from the land of “People Freely Expressing Their Ability To Say The Word ‘Vaginal’ In Front Of Other People’s Dads.”)
I gave this poor woman every opportunity to realize what she had just asked me. But she didn’t, so here we go…
“Nope, not a C-section, not vaginal. It was a bellybuttonoidal delivery. What? What do you mean you’ve never heard of that? It’s where the baby sucks itself through its umbilical cord and pops out on the other side of it- through my bellybutton. Have you never turned your socks inside out? It’s like that.”
In the event you’re concerned because Crusher went to see a pediatric orthopedist, or if you’re merely concerned because he’s being reared by a mother with Displaced Hypochondriac Syndrome (you won’t find this distressing illness in the Merck manual but I’d be happy to list the symptoms for you along with 52 million other unidentified illnesses), I took Crusher to this appointment because I wanted to get a second opinion on a possible issue with his ankles. The first opinion came from the voices in my head, but these are the same voices that tell me I should eat healthily and read to my children more, so you’ve really gotta take ‘em with a grain of salt. Turns out Crusher’s perfectly fine, so I hit the McDonald’s drive-thru on the way home while he watched a DVD in the car. 
I'm laughing my ass off. The voices in your head. Hahahaha.
Love the bellybuttonoidal delivery explanation. I hope to god that you said it too her.
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I swear that some medical people just say those words for embarrassment. She had to have known how he got here when you said no to the c-section. It makes you wonder how some nurses made it out of nursing school!
I'm glad to hear that crusher is fine. And don't knock the voices in your head. Sometimes a mothers intuition is all you've got.
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I hope you said it too!! I hate those stupid questins everyone asks... like when you are pregnant and someone comes up and squeals..."OHH do you know what your having?" I always was DYING to say... "well they say its a littler of kittens but i'm betting on a baby!"
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I thought I had hit the several ways to have a baby but NOT! I missed the bellybuttonoiudal method. Too late now!
Glad Crusher's ankles are fine.
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And as long as MY DAD were in the room, I'd be swearin' up and down to that nurse that that's how the baby had gotten INSIDE me, too...
Reverse-bellybuttonoidal delivery, for sure. And immaculate, too. OH, SO immaculate...
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I thought the stupid questions ended when the pregnancy ended. Guess not!
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Lmao.....dearie me hunny.....there is trully no need for the 'V' word to be uttered infront of your dad (I'd have to move country and change names).
Glad to hear that Crusher is okay (I was convinced my boy had rickets, even though he drinks the equivalent of 2 apple trees a day) keep listening to your voices sweetie, they could be just checking that you're paying attention (grin)
xx
ps the vid on my blog was really easy to put there (once my computer programmer husband showed me how...lol) I can tell you how to do it with vids from You Tube if you're interested....it is actually dead easy once all the computer techno-babble is erased from the conversation ..lol. Just let me know hun.
x
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That's like one of those situations where the comebacks you think of are never as good as whatever you actually say in response. Stupid brain lag.
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Oh how I love stupid people and blogs about them.
Glad Crusher is fine.
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I didn't know about belly button deliveries - how cool is that? Did the kid get some french fries out of the trip to McD's?
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I have found that people in the medical profession do not discriminate when it comes to using embarrassing words and discussing bodily functions freely. I'd like to hear them say, "So was it a C-section or did you pop the kid out of your who-ha?"
Jane, P&B Girls
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I was convinced my kid had scoliosis. Because I could see the shape of his spine. Ends up that's because he's not morbidly obese.
Yeah, I had to fill out a questionaire when Little Man was six days old at the doctor's office who delivered him (not my normal one), and I was goofing off and reading it to my mother, when all of a sudden I spot the horrible question of "how many partners have you had?" And of course, my mother was reading along.
I hesitated for a second and I totally lied my hiney off and wrote three.
I then gave the real number to the doc when we were behind closed doors.
I'm of the belief that parents don't need to know anything that has to do with your vijayjay.
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Funny! Love the part about the sock inside out. I laughed out loud. And the end--McD and the DVD...two cardinal mommy sins and ones we commit all the time--each time a bit less guiltily as we see that our children do actually survive both!
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very, very, funny!
She work in the department of redundancy department?
I should like to have had a bellybuttoniodal delivery. Especially if it really is anything like turning socks. That seems much easier.
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