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A Room With A View
According to the U.S. Department of Justice, the national recidivism rate is 67% within three years. Can you believe only 67% of offenders are rearrested within three years? Wow! That is so impressive. My kids can't go three minutes without getting rearrested for one of their dubious crimes. They spend like every other minute in contempt. Their current relapse rate is hovering around 99%. The outstanding 1% balance can be traced back to the time Crusher threw a piece of three-day-old Pirate's Booty marinated in cat hair at Bam Bam, who subsequently ate it. With Crusher out of ammo he was unable to continue his flawless streak of re-offending behavior. However, a few days later he did hurl a stale Goober at Bam Bam's head from point-blank range, but I generously counted that infraction as a new crime.
The aforementioned numbers don't lie, and since 89.2% of statistics are not fabricated at least 60% of the time, I know what I need to do to ensure my children the best chance of success as law abiding citizens. I'm going to turn them over to the long arm of the law. That's right. Tomorrow morning Crusher and Bam Bam are off to Alcatraz. Dang, I'm gonna miss them. But there are so many benefits and I know I have to stay focused on the positives.
First of all, seeing as it's been uninhabited since 1963, with the exception of the whole San Francisco Bay/Pacific Ocean issue, it's totally childproofed. Regardless of how diligently you childproof a home, one kid might still chuck a piece of sidewalk chalk at his sister. There's no sidewalk chalk on Alcatraz.
Secondly, if they're gone long enough, they might come home potty trained. You never know. One of the tourists taking a headphone tour of the island may have a better plan on how to achieve this than I do. So, in summary, my plan for potty training my children is to send them to a defunct institution on a deserted island and hope a random stranger who thinks a prison tour is a rockin' fun thing to do while on vacation trains them for me.
Good luck, Alcatraz. Al Capone ain't got nothin' on my kids!
Omg.. seriously... what a great idea!!!
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Man, Kathy Hilton could have learned a thing or two from you a few weeks back, huh? Can mine tag along with yours? Sister is potty trained and bossy so she's likely to help with that end of it and Brother loves to throw things at people so maybe having Crusher around to give him a taste of his own medicine would do him some good.
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Hey, Can my kids hitch a ride with yours? I think this is a wonderful idea! And if the baby could come back potty trained, that would totally be a bonus!
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Hey, I've taken that Alcatraz tour and even paid extra for the head set! Great idea!
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Ha! Mine are chronic repeat offenders too, often repeat offending AS I am correcting the behavior. If only Alcatraz were closer...maybe Guantanamo Bay for mine?
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Hey, you think we could actually MAKE MONEY by organizing "Juvenile Pottytraining Vaycays" at Alcatraz? I can see it now... the kids get sent off in a ferryboat, clutching their little hand-held potties, and the Mummies wave them bye-bye, then get taken to a spa in limosines with fully-stocked bars!! Sounds good to me!! You in?!
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Your blog cracks me up each and every time. I have a couple of bedtime hellion recidivists. I'm ready to ship them off to Alcatraz right now. Then maybe your kids can listen to the "but I'm hungry" and a thousand other excuses I listen to each night. The only problem is I'm sure they would only come out with trickier tactics up their sleeves.
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I would pay a fortune to that tourist to potty train my child. Because so far, it isn't, as the Little Einsteins would say "mission completion."
Far from it.
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this is hilarious, and made even more funny by the fact that I am a policy wonkish person who actually does work on juvenile recidivism rates. am such a nerd.
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You should write a book about that potty training plan! I bet it'd be a best seller! Great idea!
Jane, P&B Girls
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This is SUCH a great idea. I have a toddler who happens to need potty training too. Plus, I've been REALLY wanting a tantrum-free weekend. Is there like an application I can fill out to register him for Alcatraz?
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Is it totally childproofed? Hope so. This is an excellent blog,very informative and I really appreciate it. I must only agree with you.
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